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How to Make Sure Your Kids Are Safe at Another
Family's Home
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The First Rule of Sleepover
Safety: Meet the Parents Wondering how safe your child is at a friend's house? Parents and
experts alike say you have to make the effort to get to know that other family
better, whether your child is very young or in the teen years. Introduce
yourself to the other parents, ask questions about supervision and safety,
and even discuss some of your own house rules. By Lisa Kosan
Remember the days when "play date" meant you got to visit your
friends for coffee and brought your infant, toddler or preschooler along for
the ride? You chose the time, the place and the people. If your kids are now elementary-school age, tweens or teens, you're
probably acutely aware that they prefer to arrange their own get-togethers
with people of their own choosing. Kids who've hit the ripe old age of 11 may
already be asking for a ride to the corner near their friend's house - and
balking if you suggest meeting the parents. But meet them you must, say plenty of parents and parenting pros. For
safety's sake, and your own sense of security, you need to know that the
parents of the other child are home, will continue
to be home and are supervising both their child and yours. And you need to
know that the home your child is entering is a safe, secure, comfortable
place to be. It gets harder the older your kids get, to be sure. As tweens and teens
become more independent - and less enamored with their parents' involvement
in anything they do - parents say they're often more likely to drop their
adolescent off in the driveway of a friend's house and pick the youth up in
the same location, never even getting out of the car. "You have to take the first step to introduce yourself to your
child's friend's parents," says Michele Borba, Ed.D., an author and
lecturer who specializes in the topic of building children's character.
"You have to make it your house rule that, no matter what, you will
always introduce yourself before dropping your child off for a party or any
other gathering. Just don't expect your child to send you a thank-you
card." Breaking the Ice Outwardly, you might begin that meet-and-greet by offering a phone number
where you can be reached if needed. But what you're really trying to do is
size up the other parent, Borba says. "Tell them that you just want to
verify their house rules because you assume that they'd want to know
yours." The key is to convey to the other parent the notion that you have strict
rules about supervision and acceptable activities. Mention the obvious, like
peanut allergies or fear of dogs, Borba advises, then toss in a few of your
own house rules: time limits on video games or prohibitions on Web sites such
as MySpace. Tell the other parent that you never leave your own child in the
home unsupervised during a play date or party. Ask if there are rules about
swimming pool safety or if there's a gun in the house and whether it's locked
up. "If you feel funny about asking some of these questions, make up an
excuse. Say there was a family tragedy involving a gun if you have to,"
Borba says. "Sometimes it's easier that way, to put the paranoia on
yourself, but you'll sleep much better at night." How Far Can You Go? Psychologist Anthony Wolf, Ph.D., author of numerous parenting books,
including Get Out of My Life, But First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the
Mall, acknowledges that finding out about other kids and their parents can be
"tricky." "If your kid seems to be developing a new friendship, invite that
child over first so you can get to know him or her," he suggests.
"If you can't do that, ask your own kid to tell you what she's like,
what her family's like, or how she does in school." Be careful, however, that you don't convey prejudices, Wolf adds. If you
ask what someone does for a living, don't imply that some types of jobs are
more acceptable than others. Getting to know the parents is tougher, Wolf says. Your initial
conversations with them can alternate between casual chatting and more
probing questions. "You don't want it to seem like you're doing a
security check," he says. You could also do some detective work by asking other parents you know
about the new family or even observing them during sports practices or at the
park. But there's a limit to what you can do, legally and tactfully. The bottom line, Wolf says, is that "You are taking a certain amount
of chance by letting your child go to another person's house. That's part of
being a parent today." Consider, too, that you might need to adjust the level of insulation you
want for your growing child, Wolf says. Is it still realistic, or even
healthy? What, after all, are the real risks a child can face? Inadequate
supervision and being exposed to domestic violence are legitimate reasons for
intervention and ending visits to another child's home. The grayer areas
involve exposure to violent video games, television programs that you might
not allow, or swear words. Trying to limit contact with these kinds of things
becomes a lot harder as your child gets older. The best you can do is to
continue teaching your child your family's values and expectations. Maintaining Your Comfort Level Borba suggests having a code that your child can use when visiting another
home. If an uncomfortable situation arises - risky behavior, violence, or
drug and alcohol use, for example - your child can call home using a
predetermined phrase, such as "I have a sore throat," and you'll
pick her up, no questions asked. Barbara Kennedy uses such a code with her middle-school-age daughter and
teenage son. She also admits that she's one of those "meet-and-greet"
moms who always introduces herself to the host parents. "My son used to
be mortified," Kennedy says with a laugh, "but that was just too
bad. He'd want me to drop him off a block away, but I'd go to the door, say
hello, hopefully get a look around at who else was at the party. I feel like
it's better to be safe than sorry." Sandy Gutierrez, a stepmother of two daughters, is another stickler for
the meet-and-greet rule. She recalls an invitation her now nearly 18-year-old
daughter received to a local barbecue. "I reminded her that I would go in and meet the parents or she
couldn't go," Gutierrez says. "She pouted all the way there. The
other mom told me that I was the only parent who came in to say hello. The
others just dropped their kids and drove off." With 10-year-old twin girls, Judy Cohen is no stranger to play dates.
She's also run into some parents who don't share her own sense of
thoroughness and safety. "Once, on vacation, the girls met someone they wanted to invite to
the resort barbecue," Cohen says. "When I called to make
arrangements, the mother didn't ask me many questions. It was a little bit
uncomfortable taking responsibility for someone I barely knew and I thought
it was odd that the other mother seemed so casual about the arrangement." On her own turf, Cohen says she generally meets other parents ahead of a
get-together. "I wouldn't just let my kids go over to somebody's house
without knowing the parents. Or, if I've met them once, I might try to hang
out a little bit when I drop them off, talk to the mom, maybe see the
playroom. There's no checklist of attributes that I'm looking for. I just try
to get a feel for how their family operates." A Word about Teens Teenagers outwardly resist what they consider your intrusive or
"butt-insky" behavior. But at some level - and they will never
admit this to you - they appreciate the fact that you care. Gutierrez's older daughter understands the rules of engagement and there's
little debate when she heads out with friends. "Now she offers the information
that the other parents are going to be home and gives us the phone
number," her mom says. "She knows that she has to call us from a
land-line - not a cell phone - when she gets to a friend's house so we know
from caller ID that she's where she's supposed to be." Studies have found that the values, family rules and standards you teach
your kids in their early years minimize the risks they'll take when they're
teens - a time when your opportunities for meeting their friends and their
friends' parents greatly diminish. "Teenagers adamantly want you to know as little as possible about
what they do," Wolf says. "They will tell you that they are deeply
offended that you want to know who their friends are." Still, Borba says, parents need to be savvier about what their kids like
to do when they're not supervised and whom they're with. Statistics show that
first sexual encounters happen at home. The first drink - usually around
fifth-grade - takes place in an unsupervised home. And adolescents' accessible
drug of choice - cough syrup - is in everyone's medicine chest. "We are so busy and exhausted that we've lost touch with who lives
next door to us and who our friends' kids are," Borba says. "But we
still have to get to know our own kids, their friends and their friends'
parents." Lisa Kosan is mother of two boys, who frequently writes on parenting
issues. Resources
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with mosquito bites and sandy toes, summer can bring waves of anxiety for
parents whose children do just what children do best: make new friends. We
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