|
The First
Rule of Sleepover Safety: Meet the Parents
Wondering how safe your child is at a friend's house?
Parents and experts alike say you have to make the
effort to get to know that other family better, whether
your child is very young or in the teen years. Introduce
yourself to the other parents, ask questions about
supervision and safety, and even discuss some of your
own house rules.
By Lisa Kosan
 Along
with mosquito bites and sandy toes, summer can bring
waves of anxiety for parents whose children do just what
children do best: make new friends. We may be proud of
our
kids' growing
independence, but we're a bit wary of these unknown kids
and their families.
Remember the days when "play date" meant you got to
visit your friends for coffee and brought your infant,
toddler or preschooler along for the ride? You chose the
time, the place and the people.
If your kids are now elementary-school age, tweens or
teens, you're probably acutely aware that they prefer to
arrange their own get-togethers with people of their own
choosing. Kids who've hit the ripe old age of 11 may
already be asking for a ride to the corner near their
friend's house - and balking if you suggest meeting the
parents.
But meet them you must, say plenty of parents and
parenting pros. For safety's sake, and your own sense of
security, you need to know that the parents of the other
child are
home, will
continue to be home and are supervising both their child
and yours. And you need to know that the home your child
is entering is a safe, secure, comfortable place to be.
It gets harder the older your kids get, to be sure.
As tweens and teens become more independent - and less
enamored with their parents' involvement in anything
they do - parents say they're often more likely to drop
their adolescent off in the driveway of a friend's house
and pick the youth up in the same location, never even
getting out of the car.
"You have to take the first step to introduce
yourself to your child's friend's parents," says Michele
Borba, Ed.D., an author and lecturer who specializes in
the topic of building children's character. "You have to
make it your house rule that, no matter what, you will
always introduce yourself before dropping your child off
for a party or any other gathering. Just don't expect
your child to send you a thank-you card."
Breaking the Ice
Outwardly, you might begin that meet-and-greet by
offering a phone number where you can be reached if
needed. But what you're really trying to do is size up
the other parent, Borba says. "Tell them that you just
want to verify their house rules because you assume that
they'd want to know yours."
The key is to convey to the other parent the notion
that you have strict rules about supervision and
acceptable activities. Mention the obvious, like peanut
allergies or fear of dogs, Borba advises, then toss in a
few of your own house rules: time limits on video games
or prohibitions on Web sites such as MySpace. Tell the
other parent that you never leave your own child in the
home unsupervised during a play date or party. Ask if
there are rules about swimming pool safety or if there's
a gun in the house and whether it's locked up.
"If you feel funny about asking some of these
questions, make up an excuse. Say there was a family
tragedy involving a gun if you have to," Borba says.
"Sometimes it's easier that way, to put the paranoia on
yourself, but you'll sleep much better at night."
How Far Can You Go?
Psychologist Anthony Wolf, Ph.D., author of numerous
parenting books, including Get Out of My Life, But First
Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall, acknowledges
that finding out about other kids and their parents can
be "tricky."
"If your kid seems to be developing a new friendship,
invite that child over first so you can get to know him
or her," he suggests. "If you can't do that, ask your
own kid to tell you what she's like, what her family's
like, or how she does in school."
Be careful, however, that you don't convey
prejudices, Wolf adds. If you ask what someone does for
a living, don't imply that some types of jobs are more
acceptable than others.
Getting to know the parents is tougher, Wolf says.
Your initial conversations with them can alternate
between casual chatting and more probing questions. "You
don't want it to seem like you're doing a security
check," he says.
You could also do some detective work by asking other
parents you know about the new family or even observing
them during sports practices or at the park. But there's
a limit to what you can do, legally and tactfully.
The bottom line, Wolf says, is that "You are taking a
certain amount of chance by letting your child go to
another person's house. That's part of being a parent
today."
Consider, too, that you might need to adjust the
level of insulation you want for your growing child,
Wolf says. Is it still realistic, or even healthy? What,
after all, are the real risks a child can face?
Inadequate supervision and being exposed to domestic
violence are legitimate reasons for intervention and
ending visits to another child's home. The grayer areas
involve exposure to violent video games, television
programs that you might not allow, or swear words.
Trying to limit contact with these kinds of things
becomes a lot harder as your child gets older. The best
you can do is to continue teaching your child your
family's values and expectations.
Maintaining Your
Comfort Level
Borba suggests having a code that your child can use
when visiting another home. If an uncomfortable
situation arises - risky behavior, violence, or drug and
alcohol use, for example - your child can call home
using a predetermined phrase, such as "I have a sore
throat," and you'll pick her up, no questions asked.
Barbara Kennedy uses such a code with her
middle-school-age daughter and teenage son. She also
admits that she's one of those "meet-and-greet" moms who
always introduces herself to the host parents. "My son
used to be mortified," Kennedy says with a laugh, "but
that was just too bad. He'd want me to drop him off a
block away, but I'd go to the door, say hello, hopefully
get a look around at who else was at the party. I feel
like it's better to be safe than sorry."
Sandy Gutierrez, a stepmother of two daughters, is
another stickler for the meet-and-greet rule. She
recalls an invitation her now nearly 18-year-old
daughter received to a local barbecue.
"I reminded her that I would go in and meet the
parents or she couldn't go," Gutierrez says. "She pouted
all the way there. The other mom told me that I was the
only parent who came in to say hello. The others just
dropped their kids and drove off."
With 10-year-old twin girls, Judy Cohen is no
stranger to play dates. She's also run into some parents
who don't share her own sense of thoroughness and
safety.
"Once, on vacation, the girls met someone they wanted
to invite to the resort barbecue," Cohen says. "When I
called to make arrangements, the mother didn't ask me
many questions. It was a little bit uncomfortable taking
responsibility for someone I barely knew and I thought
it was odd that the other mother seemed so casual about
the arrangement."
On her own turf, Cohen says she generally meets other
parents ahead of a get-together. "I wouldn't just let my
kids go over to somebody's house without knowing the
parents. Or, if I've met them once, I might try to hang
out a little bit when I drop them off, talk to the mom,
maybe see the playroom. There's no checklist of
attributes that I'm looking for. I just try to get a
feel for how their family operates."
A Word about Teens
Teenagers outwardly resist what they consider your
intrusive or "butt-insky" behavior. But at some level -
and they will never admit this to you - they appreciate
the fact that you care.
Gutierrez's older daughter understands the rules of
engagement and there's little debate when she heads out
with friends. "Now she offers the information that the
other parents are going to be home and gives us the
phone number," her mom says. "She knows that she has to
call us from a land-line - not a cell phone - when she
gets to a friend's house so we know from caller ID that
she's where she's supposed to be."
Studies have found that the values, family rules and
standards you teach your kids in their early years
minimize the risks they'll take when they're teens - a
time when your opportunities for meeting their friends
and their friends' parents greatly diminish.
"Teenagers adamantly want you to know as little as
possible about what they do," Wolf says. "They will tell
you that they are deeply offended that you want to know
who their friends are."
Still, Borba says, parents need to be savvier about
what their kids like to do when they're not supervised
and whom they're with. Statistics show that first sexual
encounters happen at home. The first drink - usually
around fifth-grade - takes place in an unsupervised
home. And adolescents' accessible drug of choice - cough
syrup - is in everyone's medicine chest.
"We are so busy and exhausted that we've lost touch
with who lives next door to us and who our friends' kids
are," Borba says. "But we still have to get to know our
own kids, their friends and their friends' parents."
Lisa Kosan is mother of two boys, who frequently
writes on parenting issues.
Resources
-
Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential
Virtues that Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing, by
Michele Borba, Jossey-Bass, 2002. Borba makes the case
that kids who develop empathy, conscience,
self-control, respect, kindness, tolerance and
fairness will be more self-reliant when not under
their parents' supervision.
-
Get Out of My Life, but First Can You Drive Cheryl &
Me to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager,
by Anthony E. Wolf; Farrar, Straus and Giroux; 2002.
An entertaining, informative classic with practical
tips on staying one step ahead of your teen.
-
How to Keep Your Children Safe, by Yvonne Vissing,
University Press of New England, 2006. Offers advice
on ensuring that your kids are safe under the care or
supervision of other adults, from childcare providers
or camp staff to anyone transporting your child.
-
365 Ways to Keep Kids Safe: How to Make Your Child's
World Safer, Ages Birth to 16, by Don Keenan,
Balloon Press, 2006. This example-rich book describes
how to prepare and protect your child from everyday
risks.
Related Reading
|
